Friday, August 13, 2010
Can it really be possible that JJ is already one month old? It seems so crazy to me. But the calendar does not lie. I'm sure part of the problem is I've lost all sense of time. Day, night...these things mean nothing to someone who only sleeps 3 hours at a time! I see 3:00 am as often as I see 3:00 pm. *sigh*
What a month it's been, too. As much as I thought I was prepared for all of this, I wasn't even close! There is no way to be prepared really. I mean, you can have the nursery set up, the car seat installed...all that good stuff. But that's just a small fraction of it. What I was really unprepared for was how emotional the whole month has been. It seemed so cliche to say your whole life changes, but it's SO true! My life is so wonderfully different now and I wouldn't want it any other way. He's made us so happy. And I'm saying that after he kept me up from 4:45 am - 8:30 am last night :) The hours seem to fly by and all I do sometimes is hold him in my arms and stare at that beautiful face!
There were a few things that really took me by surprise. The first is how conflicted I feel about returning to work. Don't get me wrong, I'm going back to work. Sadly, we're a two income house and there is no way around that! But almost every day I have this crazy internal debate. I really never imagined that I'd even question the idea of wanting to go back. But what I wouldn't give for some flexibility. It's strange because I really do want to work. I really enjoy what I do and have a lot of ambition in terms of having a successful career. I have a lot of opportunities in front of me right now, not to mention a boatload of responsibilities to return to. But the "want this more than anything" phrase isn't included in this right now. The idea of leaving JJ for 40+ hours a week seems like the very worst form of torture. I know it will all work out and what helps is I have a really supportive boss. But can't I just keep JJ next to my desk for lots of cuddle time during the day? That would be great!!
The second thing is my desire for time to slow down, yet at the same time speed up. Does that make sense?!? My leave is FLYING by. Every day goes so fast. I love every minute with JJ and wish the day was twice as long so there were twice as many minutes! But at the same time, I'm so anxious to see him grow. I can't wait for all the big milestones. It's amazing that he can already hold his head up so much more than he could just a few weeks ago. Before when we put him in the car seat, his little head would slump right over. Now he can hold his head up straight. He's so alert! It's amazing. So I need JJ to stay a tiny little baby but also grow and change :)
The last thing is how happy I am v. the horror film that plays in my head. I know I'm a broken record, but this little bugger makes me so happy! He's so cute! Such a little stinker. hehe. (is it awful that most of my nicknames with him involve the word "stinker"?) But, OMG, I am constantly worrying about all the things that could go wrong! So he's been home for a little over a month...and between me and Scott we probably check that he's breathing 100 times a day, so give or take 3000 times total since he's been born! Luckily, I can say with complete confidence that he's still breathing :) PHEW! Of course, what doesn't help with the horror film is that I nearly killed the baby last night. We had him on his play mat, which I promptly tripped on (the slowest, most drawn out trip EVER) and he flipped right over. Within 30 seconds, he was totally fine. Me? Not so much. I'm sure it's normal to cry on and off for like 2 hours after nearly killing your baby. Right? UGH.
I'm so ready for month 2! Can't wait to see what this little guy has in store for us :)